Turning on the TV can be horrifying in itself. - Imagine you are flicking through the channels, not bothering to look through the TV guide as it's morning - midday television. (everyone knows this time of day nothing interesting is on, unless.. you're in for a good Jeremy Kyle session.) You are flicking away peacefully unknowingly you are one click away from disaster, you have been happy-flicking away so wildly that you are in the "danger-zone" of television. You may as well call this the black hole that consumes any happiness that you had. (which is minimal as you're a young adult with new responsibilities) Know what part of the television you're in yet? That's right. Teleshopping.
Teleshopping is something your nan would watch to pass the time and make you sit down with her looking at the somewhat 'stylish' Spandex trousers that an mildly attractive lady is waltzing around on a makeshift catwalk with a fraud smile plastered on her face. Even you know that the model is finding this the least pleasuring ordeal she could possibly think of. Hell on earth.Your nan, on the other hand, is complimenting the colour, shape and saying "ohh.. look! Doesn't that colour bring out her eyes?" No, nan. They bring out her camel toe. Witness this for yourself.
This is all happening whilst the presenter of the sales is announcing where it is socially acceptable to wear these insultingly horrific Spandex.
"Going out shopping, going on a date, going for walks with the family.. even down to the local town! Everyone's heads would turn in jealousy!" You sure babe? The presenter proceeds. "There are a wide variety of colours and only limited stock available. So, get your orders in quickly! The fabric is light and comfortable for any time of day." [Queue close up of crotch region.] [Nan leans in closer to television examine fabric.] [Turning to stare at nan, you question when her next eye test is.] Suddenly, turning back towards the television, you are confronted by a screen full of Carey the camel toe. At this point your stomach contents is gleefully making its way back up through your oesophagus and sweat is leaking out of every oriphis. Before your colourful stomach contents lands on your nans new, flowery Primark slippers, you make your getaway, knowing Carey will follow you to the world of dreams when your eyes shut.
You turn the television off as soon as you hear the presenters overly happy, annoying and somewhat personally insulting voice.
Even home isn't safe for the young adult minds. Contemplating existence.
~ S
